Friday, February 5, 2010

Honesty and Reality

I am going to be brutally honest here today. Sorry it's not a frugal post. I feel moved to share today. Don't worry nothing controversial.

I am terrified of another pregnancy loss. Absolutely completely terrified. This week the reality of pregnancy hit me. It began as excitement of another friend being pregnant than a sad change to a miscarriage for my sweet friend. It took me back to the loss we had. Since I'm being honest I've had more than one miscarriage but I can't wrap my head around it so I think of it as one.

I also have several friends who for medical reasons cannot have any more children. The saddest part is they want more but they are medically unable. It makes me think, Lord why can I have 4 children but my friend only has one and desperately wants one more. Guilt is also a feeling I have. I don't understand why someone can have 10 kids and another can have none. I've met wonderful amazing women who can't have any children, why is this?

Maybe it's my crazy hormones taking over but I feel very afraid. Also afraid of how I can manage having 4 children and maintain my sanity.

I am praying for God's will and when I think these scared and terrified feelings I think "Jesus I trust in you".

Just keeping it real and honest. I know if I feel this their has to be other women thinking the same thing. I also pray for those women today.


Melissa said...

I have one child and we are praying about adding to our brood. When I got pregnant with sweet baby girl, I remember feeling some of the same things as you. I was terrified of miscarriage. Though I personally have not experienced it, many of my very dear friends and family members have. Glimpsing what they are going through as we walk the road beside them is so intense. I also felt profoundly guilty. My husband and I got pregnant right away and had a healthy baby. Whereas one of my dearest friends suffered the loss of their sweet baby girl at 23 weeks and had not been able to get pregnant since. While I know in my head that their scenario is not my road to walk down, I still so very badly wanted them to have a baby, and I put guilt on myself that it was happening so easily for me. I will be praying for you throughout your pregnancy!

Murry Mayhem said...

Awwww, can't let those things take their toll on you. I haven't experienced the loss that you have, but we are one of the "medically unable" who can't have any more. And I can understand the feelings of gulit because you have children and are expecting your 4th, because when I wasn't expecting my pregnancy with Caroline, I had those feelings too. And sticking with being honest, sometimes it does break my heart to see so many friends having more children, and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that we can't. But, I take pleasure in getting to see my friends go through the experience, and add to their families. Its a double edged sword. I could have another child if money was no object, but the cost of the treatments is just too much of a burden to put on Caroline's future, so if this is God's will, then I will accept it, even with the ups and downs of wanting another child.

From one friend who can't get pregnant, to another dear friend who is, be joyful, and know that I love you even if I am a teeny bit jealous :) I wish the best for your new little one and the best for your pregnancy!

Rebecca said...

hang in there, jennifer! God doesn't want you to be fearful or anxious. :) just count your blessings and continue to pray for God's will in yours and your friends' lives.

Milla & her mommy said...

Jennifer, I am sorry for your worry. I feel deep in my heart that this baby will be fine. You've seen his/her heartbeat, you've suffered the morning sickness and cravings and you will deliver a precious son or daughter into your beautiful family. I cannot wait to dote over him or her. Thank you for worrying and praying for me this week. I truly appreciate it. I know in my heart that God will complete my family when the time is right. Be calm my friend, I love you.

Beth said...

Just do your best and try not to worry. Place it all in God's hands. I have a lot of questions for Him myself...I'll keep you in my prayers :)

Heather said...

OH girl, I am praying for you and I think that what you are feeling is normal, especially when you have had one before. I am praying for you and know that the Lord is watching over you and I am praying for your protection and for the baby's protection! Blessings friend!

Melanie said...

Oh Jen, please be at peace and try not to worry. You have a lot of people praying for you.

The Cunningham Family said...

i just wanted to encourage you to keep trusting the Lord! don't forget that He loves you & will never let you go!!